Old Fashioned Broken
by BlueBella1966
Summary: Edward left Bella but six monthe later he has figured out why he reacted as he did and now he wants to make it right. Bella sees the mistakes she made and wants him back but, this is Edward and Bella, nothing is ever easy for them.


_Bella,_

_I truly am sorry I left you. I do not ask your forgiveness nor do I ever expect you to forgive me. I would ask that you try to understand me though I doubt even that is possible for you now, if it ever was. I am writing because I owe you an honest explanation of my unforgivable behavior._

_I deceived you and, for the last six months, have attempted to deceive myself as well. Really I have been doing that, in some form, since the first time I saw you but, none of that matters now I don't suppose. What matter is that I lied to you and, from what Alice tells me, I have destroyed not only my own existence but your life as well._

_I cannot express how deeply I regret my decisions regarding you, every one was a mistake, leading to the biggest mistake of my entire existence; leaving you. My reason were selfish and foolish born of self loathing, distrust of everyone and fear._

_I am well aware that you and every person who presumes to know me, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and, Rosalie included, sees me as a century old vampire. I am mature, responsible, thoughtful and, an absolute gentleman. Lies, all lies that I have carefully cultivated over the decades. Lies that began when I was human and that I have refused to let go of - until now._

_Bella, I am and forever will be seventeen, not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Yes I can learn anything that can be taught, I can observe and mimic human behavior to near perfection. I can read the minds of those who were changed older than I was and even mimic their thought processes. All of that make the façade all too easy for me and, decades of practice make it natural. None of that changes the fact that the façade is not who I am and this, I do expect you to understand because even my language in this letter is that of my façade and that ends here._

_Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to destroy myself since nothing else is going to fix the fucked up mess I've made of everything. Look, I love you Bella, I never stopped loving you but, I got scared not just because I could hurt or kill you. Hell, I know I could simply change you and quit worry about that shit. What I can't do is be the kind of man you deserve. I'm a fucking teenager and I can't do a damn thing about it. Do you have any idea how terrifying loving you as much as I do is? No, you can't because you know, instinctively, that you will mature and grow into the responsibility moving a relationship forward takes. I know too well all of the fucked up ways relationships fail. I was so afraid I'd be one of those reason that I made it happen. I ran like the coward I am because I couldn't stand the idea of shattering your image of me. I couldn't bear ruining the perfect image my surrogate family had, probably still has, of me._

_I know you don't get it, neither do I, I don't get anything about love, dating, marriage, any of that because I never wanted any of that when I was human. I wanted to be the gentleman my parents expected me to be and honestly, I half expected to be killed in the war in a year or two. I never thought about life beyond that, all that matter was giving my all for my country and making my family proud of me. I don't fucking get it Bella. Why can't I learn to think right, to grow up? Why can't I get one thing right, the one thing that might have… WOULD have made a real difference in my life and I blow it all to hell. I'm sorry, I just had to explain myself to you._

_Edward Masen_

Bella read the email then read it again and again, she read it five times and still couldn't believe he had even written to her let alone bared his soul, now. Bella was hurt, but not angry with him, not after his email. The all powerful vampire she thought she knew was really just a terrified boy who wanted to love her, needed to be loved and wanted to learn but didn't know how. She knew this now and, she knew she was no better but, together they could pick up their broken pieces. She hit the reply button and began typing.

_Edward,_

_I'm hurt but not angry with you. I do understand what you're saying now but I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me instead of leaving. Even if you didn't want your family to know, you could have talked to me, I wouldn't have said anything to them._

_I did put you on a pedestal, I see that now and, you're right, there is no way you could have lived up to that forever. I'm sorry about that and sorry I didn't let you know that you could come to me and that it's okay to be scared because I was scared too._

_I guess you know Charlie got killed three months ago, Alice probably told you. I dropped out of school, I had to so I could work full time and keep the house. Anyway, I haven't moved on, I never will, I do forgive you and, my door is always open for you. I'll understand if you don't come back but think about it - okay?_

_Bella-_

Bella hit the send button not really expecting a reply but, like Edward, she had to tell him how she felt. She took a quick shower and climbed into bed. As always she cried herself to sleep and dreamt of happier times with Edward.

'Buzz, buzz, buzz,' Bella's alarm clock told her it was time to wake up and get ready for another day working at the nursing home where she worked as a cook. She measured the proper portions, marked the low sodium tray and added Thick-It to the beverages that needed to be thickened for some of the residence. That was her day, cooking and cleaning in the institutional kitchen.

Bella didn't mind, she didn't have to talk to anyone at work and she made a decent income. By 6:00 that evening, her feet were aching as she walked home. She had sold her truck to help cover the cost of Charlie's funeral. When she rounded the last corner, Bella froze in her steps and stared in disbelief. In her driveway was a black Vanquish - Edward's black Vanquish.


End file.
